There has been a lot of talk in the news recently ( as there always is in big political years) about the Fancy Farm Picnic. Who is coming, who might be coming, and most notably, who won't be coming. In all the hoopla, there have been many accusations thrown around about how and why certain people get to speak at the picnic while others don't. I have seen everything from "Let's get rid of this 'Good Old Boys' Event" to "Let's see the records for this 'fund raising' that goes on."
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, let me first say that my family is an integral part of the Fancy Farm Picnic. My cousin Todd is the Picnic Chairman (i.e. King), the men of my family cook the meat, my Aunts work the car booth and cook for the Country dinner. Let me also say that I have about as much interest in politics as I have in golf (read: none).
So, with that bit out of the way, let's move on to more important things.
Ignoring, for the moment, the fact that the Fancy Farm Picnic is one of the last vestiges of the old political system where candidates actually had to give speeches that meant something to crowds made up of people who hadn't already made up their minds and/or paid money to see them talk let's focus on the crux of the matter. While it has been said that anyone who wants to win a political race in Kentucky must speak at the picnic, what the political big wigs won't tell you (and why would they, since they like everything to be all about them) is that the picnic has very little to do with politics.
What, you might ask, is it all about then? There are several answers to this question. The most straight forward is this: the Picnic is a fund raiser for St Jerome Parish with all the proceeds going to the church to help pay for the programs the church runs through out the year. I can't give you numbers (I'm not much of a details person and I'm horrible with dollar amounts, distances, heights and weights) but I figure this picnic has to be one of the most successful church fund raisers in the state, if not the country. Especially considering that the town of Fancy Farm has less than 1,000 people.
Now, I'm sure some of the more cynical among you will say, well of course it is a successful fund raiser, with politicians giving very generous "donations" when they are invited to speak. But I can tell you this, while I can't say for certain that no politician has ever made a donation to the parish in return for speaking at the picnic, I can say that better than 75% of all the money raised at the picnic comes from the sale of food--the bar-b-que which my family cooks, the hamburgers, ice creams, candy, and snacks on sale, or from the country dinner served all day at the KC Hall. The rest of the money comes from the sale of car chances, tab Bingo tickets, regular Bingo cards (you better get to the Bingo stand early if you want a seat), the kid's carnival games, the 5K and Fun Runs, RV parking, and the country store. If the politicians add any money to the pot, it is a drop in the bucket compared to what is brought in elsewhere. In fact, big political years tend to mean less money for the Picnic for several reasons. First, most of the political supporters bring in all of their own food and drink and spend very little money at the Picnic. Second, large crowds of political supporters tend to drive away the non-politically minded picnic goers, keeping away people who would spend money on the grounds. So, I can pretty safely say that many Fancy Farm residents would prefer the politicians to just stay at home on picnic day.
But if you say the Fancy Farm Picnic is just about fund raising, you are still missing the point. From its beginning, the picnic has been about more than just money. It was about a community coming together to eat, socialize, and just relax. Today it is no different. People with Fancy Farm roots (like myself) feel drawn back during the picnic. It is a chance to reconnect with old friends, see high school classmates, and visit with family. The days leading up to and after the picnic are prime times for class and family reunions because so many people are already in town during that time. For many of them, it may be the one time a year they make it "home" but I know many people who say they would never miss the Picnic.
For the residents of Fancy Farm (and their families) the picnic is about nostalgia and tradition. The same families have worked the same booths for as long as most people can remember with the jobs being passed down from generation to generation. My Grandmother tells stories about coming to the picnic with my Grandfather when they were dating and how you could eat all day and only spend $0.50. My Dad talks about getting $0.25 to spend at the picnic each year and how could buy a squirt gun, and box of Cracker Jacks, and a pop for that price. I remember spending lots of time at the Cane Booth tossing rings to try and win the coveted wooden sticks. These days, it will cost you more than $0.50 to eat, but you can still find old fashioned ice cream and cracker jacks; squirt guns are still one of the more popular toys you can win or buy, and while I don't get to toss too many rings these days, you are still likely to find me at the Cane booth watching the younger members of the my family try to win.
And if I'm not up at the game booths, you are likely to find me down around the bar-b-que pits which is where you can hear some of the most amazing stories. Everyone has a few tales about Picnics past, but very few of them involve the politics.
Maybe what the politicians need to do is to come out to the Grounds Friday night and watch the 1 mile Fun Run or the 5K Picnic Run. They can see the residents of Fancy Farm lined up along the roads and sitting in their front yards to watch the runners come in. Do some of them know a person or two in the race? Sure, but most just enjoy cheering everyone on. They need to come out early on Saturday to see the lines forming for meat fresh off the pits. Perhaps they can find a kid and toss a few rings or play a game or two of Bingo before they get an ice cream cone and some Cracker Jacks. Then they need to stick around after the political speaking Saturday afternoon to watch the band play and maybe dance to a song or two before they head down to the bar-b-que pits where they can sit and listen to the locals tell stories of Picnics past and watch as the next generations build Picnic memories.
After all that, then maybe they, like the Grinch who discovered that "Christmas doesn't come from a store. Christmas, perhaps means a little bit more" will understand that it isn't the politics which makes the picnic special. It's not the ice cream or the band or the car raffle or even the bar-b-que. What makes the Fancy Farm Picnic special are the people. And as long as there are people in Fancy Farm, there will be a picnic there on the first Saturday in August whether or not the politicians show.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Economy is how to spend money without enjoying it...
And Economy is soon going to be how I must live if I want to have enough money to live on since UK has apparently decided that its Staff are not important.
Now first, just let me say that I love my job. I really do. I love what I do and I love the people I work with. What I don't love sometimes is the University that seems to take things over from time to time. UK approved its budget for the 08-09 fiscal year the other day and let's just say that things did come out well for the Staff among us.
First, they are freezing salaries this year, which means no yearly raises. Now I guess that's not really a huge deal until you consider that the cost of everything is going up these days. My muffin mix from the grocery store has gone up from $0.79 to $1.29 these days. That's a 63% increase in just a couple of weeks! And that's just one thing. If my entire grocery bill went up 63% I wouldn't have the money to eat at all. Not to mention the $4.00 a gallon gas that I would need just to get to the grocery store.
And it's not just the cost of groceries and gas that is rising. UK is also raising the cost of parking for the upcoming year. I now get to pay a whopping $372.00 a year to park my car at work. Yea for UK! Let's cut pay but raising parking fees. Then people won't come to work and we won't have to pay them. In fact, the only thing that's not going up this year is our Health Insurance Premium. At least that is staying the same.
UK also decided to eliminate 188 positions. They make that seem like no big deal since all but 15 of those positions were vacant anyway, but when you consider that we've been under a hiring freeze since January 1, the 173 empty positions make more sense.
UK has also decided that in order to save money, they need to decrease the amount of time we have to use our vacation time. Previously, our vacation accrued starting July 1 of every year until June 30 of the next year. After that, we had 15 months in which to use our vacation time (so you had to use it by September 30 of the next year). Now they have shortened the time is which we can use our vacation from 15 months to 12 months. Not a huge deal, but still something of a crappy move on their part. You aren't giving us a raise, at least let us use our vacation time.
Now, the real kicker is this: The University doesn't have enough money to give us a raise, but they have enough money to give our President (who already makes $300,000 a year) a bonus of $150,000 this year. That's 50% of his salary! Who gets a bonus like that? I don't get a bonus at all. Grandly, President Todd only kept $90,000 of his bonus and gave the rest back to the university, but really, who needs $90,000 extra on top of a $300,000 salary? I could live well for 6 or 7 years on $300,000. And $90,000 is more than I will make in two years. Why couldn't they have put some of that money toward UK's staff.
UK has 11,000 staff. Why not give each of us a $100 gas card. That leaves $4,000 for the "bonus" which is still way more than most people I know get as a bonus (if they get a bonus at all). Or just give the money to the parking division and not raise our prices this year. Either way, I will be happy. You can't expect those of us most hurt by the lack of our yearly raise to be understanding when you give someone who makes more than everyone in my lab put together a bonus that is more than our yearly salary. Really, that's not cool.
Okay, I promise I'm off my soapbox now.
Now first, just let me say that I love my job. I really do. I love what I do and I love the people I work with. What I don't love sometimes is the University that seems to take things over from time to time. UK approved its budget for the 08-09 fiscal year the other day and let's just say that things did come out well for the Staff among us.
First, they are freezing salaries this year, which means no yearly raises. Now I guess that's not really a huge deal until you consider that the cost of everything is going up these days. My muffin mix from the grocery store has gone up from $0.79 to $1.29 these days. That's a 63% increase in just a couple of weeks! And that's just one thing. If my entire grocery bill went up 63% I wouldn't have the money to eat at all. Not to mention the $4.00 a gallon gas that I would need just to get to the grocery store.
And it's not just the cost of groceries and gas that is rising. UK is also raising the cost of parking for the upcoming year. I now get to pay a whopping $372.00 a year to park my car at work. Yea for UK! Let's cut pay but raising parking fees. Then people won't come to work and we won't have to pay them. In fact, the only thing that's not going up this year is our Health Insurance Premium. At least that is staying the same.
UK also decided to eliminate 188 positions. They make that seem like no big deal since all but 15 of those positions were vacant anyway, but when you consider that we've been under a hiring freeze since January 1, the 173 empty positions make more sense.
UK has also decided that in order to save money, they need to decrease the amount of time we have to use our vacation time. Previously, our vacation accrued starting July 1 of every year until June 30 of the next year. After that, we had 15 months in which to use our vacation time (so you had to use it by September 30 of the next year). Now they have shortened the time is which we can use our vacation from 15 months to 12 months. Not a huge deal, but still something of a crappy move on their part. You aren't giving us a raise, at least let us use our vacation time.
Now, the real kicker is this: The University doesn't have enough money to give us a raise, but they have enough money to give our President (who already makes $300,000 a year) a bonus of $150,000 this year. That's 50% of his salary! Who gets a bonus like that? I don't get a bonus at all. Grandly, President Todd only kept $90,000 of his bonus and gave the rest back to the university, but really, who needs $90,000 extra on top of a $300,000 salary? I could live well for 6 or 7 years on $300,000. And $90,000 is more than I will make in two years. Why couldn't they have put some of that money toward UK's staff.
UK has 11,000 staff. Why not give each of us a $100 gas card. That leaves $4,000 for the "bonus" which is still way more than most people I know get as a bonus (if they get a bonus at all). Or just give the money to the parking division and not raise our prices this year. Either way, I will be happy. You can't expect those of us most hurt by the lack of our yearly raise to be understanding when you give someone who makes more than everyone in my lab put together a bonus that is more than our yearly salary. Really, that's not cool.
Okay, I promise I'm off my soapbox now.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Better Late then Never.....
I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there, including my friend John who became a brand new dad at11:43 pm on Saturday night. His little boy Elliot is quite possibly the cutest baby on the face of the planet (although I might be just a touch biased). Congratulations John and Beth!
Also, because it was Father's Day, I should probably mention that I have by far the best Dad on the planet. Sorry if you think that's wrong, but he is. He loves me and puts up with all my craziness and never even blinks when I call him at crazy times demanding things like "Fix My Car" or "Make the Bugs Go Away" or "What are You Going to do with Your Other Daughter?" despite the fact that he lives 2 hours away. He just tells me what to do and walks me through it until I calm down and start to make sense again. I guess 25 years of putting up with me has given him just a little bit of experience to go on.
He's been a little tied up in building his new house lately, and I haven't gotten to see him as much as usual, but he is doing a better job of making time for me and my sister these days(after I called and laid a huge guilt trip on him). At least the huge new house is almost finished and by the end of this weekend, they should be all moved in. Maybe. Somehow I think this house will never be done.
Also, because it was Father's Day, I should probably mention that I have by far the best Dad on the planet. Sorry if you think that's wrong, but he is. He loves me and puts up with all my craziness and never even blinks when I call him at crazy times demanding things like "Fix My Car" or "Make the Bugs Go Away" or "What are You Going to do with Your Other Daughter?" despite the fact that he lives 2 hours away. He just tells me what to do and walks me through it until I calm down and start to make sense again. I guess 25 years of putting up with me has given him just a little bit of experience to go on.
He's been a little tied up in building his new house lately, and I haven't gotten to see him as much as usual, but he is doing a better job of making time for me and my sister these days(after I called and laid a huge guilt trip on him). At least the huge new house is almost finished and by the end of this weekend, they should be all moved in. Maybe. Somehow I think this house will never be done.
Friday, June 6, 2008
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. ~Bill Vaughan
The quote in my title is from Bill Vaughan, and is very apt these days since for the last week I have been at war trying to keep my apartment free from bugs.
Now before you get all "ewwww, gross" on me, let me first say that these bugs are not of the nasty variety (ie. cockroaches) or the terrifying variety (ie. spiders, millipedes). They are of the OMG they are taking over my room variety. Yes, the insect which has chosen to make its assault on my apartment is the Springtail which is the single most prolific insect known to man. They can reach numbers of up to 100,000 individuals per meter of topsoil. I think they reached nearly that number on the window sill in my bedroom.
Once I noticed the problem, I began spraying the sill several times a day with pesticide, which seemed to kill the bugs there at the time, but did nothing to keep new ones from appearing. Soon, they had claimed the window sill as well as my blinds and curtains as their 0wn. This prompted a call to the apartment office to see if they would have the BugMan come out a spray. They assured me someone would come out first thing Monday, and I figured that I had won the war.
Not so! BugMan sprayed Monday, but Monday night there were more than ever, and now they were trying to claim my bed! Not Good! They had also taken over my balcony. Apparently, spraying for bugs only made them angry. Tuesday I called the office again and got a very lukewarm resp once. "Give it a few days," was the best they would do. I don't know about you, but when I have bugs in my bed, I don't want to give it a few days. Tuesday night, I started sleeping on the floor in the living room.
Wednesday, I decided that a trip to the office was needed as the bugs were still increasing in numbers. I waited until the office opened at 9 and then went to pay them a visit. After much cajoling and refusing to leave until they did what I wanted them to do, I convinced them to call the BugMan again and have him come out and spray the inside and outside of the building. I also went and bought about $30 worth of bug spray myself at Lowes and treated my bedroom, bathroom, and hallway as well as scrubbed down and sprayed my entire balcony. This seemed to have worked pretty well on the balcony, but did little to help the situation on my bed.
Thursday, I asked the office to have the BugMan call me when he arrived so I could ask him a question or two, but they failed to relay that information. Instead, when I arrived home, I found that nothing had been done. This time, I looked up the BugMan myself in the phone book and called them directly. The lady on the phone was very nice, gave me all the information I needed, and even had the BugMan come out that day while I was home so I could show him what was going on and have him spray everywhere.
So, as of today, the bugs seem to be grudgingly giving ground, although they are still present in my window and on my bed. At least they seem to be losing numbers. I am going to give it until the end of the weekend to get better before I start making phone calls again. I will not lose my house to the bugs!
Now before you get all "ewwww, gross" on me, let me first say that these bugs are not of the nasty variety (ie. cockroaches) or the terrifying variety (ie. spiders, millipedes). They are of the OMG they are taking over my room variety. Yes, the insect which has chosen to make its assault on my apartment is the Springtail which is the single most prolific insect known to man. They can reach numbers of up to 100,000 individuals per meter of topsoil. I think they reached nearly that number on the window sill in my bedroom.
Once I noticed the problem, I began spraying the sill several times a day with pesticide, which seemed to kill the bugs there at the time, but did nothing to keep new ones from appearing. Soon, they had claimed the window sill as well as my blinds and curtains as their 0wn. This prompted a call to the apartment office to see if they would have the BugMan come out a spray. They assured me someone would come out first thing Monday, and I figured that I had won the war.
Not so! BugMan sprayed Monday, but Monday night there were more than ever, and now they were trying to claim my bed! Not Good! They had also taken over my balcony. Apparently, spraying for bugs only made them angry. Tuesday I called the office again and got a very lukewarm resp once. "Give it a few days," was the best they would do. I don't know about you, but when I have bugs in my bed, I don't want to give it a few days. Tuesday night, I started sleeping on the floor in the living room.
Wednesday, I decided that a trip to the office was needed as the bugs were still increasing in numbers. I waited until the office opened at 9 and then went to pay them a visit. After much cajoling and refusing to leave until they did what I wanted them to do, I convinced them to call the BugMan again and have him come out and spray the inside and outside of the building. I also went and bought about $30 worth of bug spray myself at Lowes and treated my bedroom, bathroom, and hallway as well as scrubbed down and sprayed my entire balcony. This seemed to have worked pretty well on the balcony, but did little to help the situation on my bed.
Thursday, I asked the office to have the BugMan call me when he arrived so I could ask him a question or two, but they failed to relay that information. Instead, when I arrived home, I found that nothing had been done. This time, I looked up the BugMan myself in the phone book and called them directly. The lady on the phone was very nice, gave me all the information I needed, and even had the BugMan come out that day while I was home so I could show him what was going on and have him spray everywhere.
So, as of today, the bugs seem to be grudgingly giving ground, although they are still present in my window and on my bed. At least they seem to be losing numbers. I am going to give it until the end of the weekend to get better before I start making phone calls again. I will not lose my house to the bugs!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Other things may change us, but we start & end with Family...
I spent this weekend in the loving arms of my family. It was the 33rd annual Carrico family B&B Picnic which, like most things my family does, is a big to-do. In all fairness, though, when you have close to 85 people in the family, everything is a big to-do.
For anyone who doesn't know, I come from a very large Italian-Catholic family. My dad was one of 11 kids raised in a small farming community in Western Kentucky called Fancy Farm. I swear, that is the name of the town--you can google it if you want. I have 28 first cousins on that side of the family--meaning there are 30 grandchildren all together--and there are currently 23 great grand kids with more always on the way. When you add in spouses the grand total of family members comes to well above 80.
Now, I know I'm not the only person out there who has a large family. In fact, I know of several people who have families similar in size to mine. What really tends to make my family unique is the fact that almost every person in the family lives in or near Fancy Farm. My self, my sister and one other cousin live in Lexington. I have two cousins up in Cincinnati and an Aunt, Uncle and three cousins in Atlanta. My dad lives in Glasgow and one cousins and his family who live in Tennessee. Other than that, the entire family lives within a 30 minute drive of each other.
As you can imagine, this means that any family event (of which there are many through out the year) turns into a huge gathering. My Grandmother has anywhere from 60 to 80 people over every year for both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. My Aunt Elaine's 4th of July pool party draws a crowd of close to 50 or 60, and a good portion of the family (20-25 people) cook together at least once every week.
Because they see each other so much, the family is really very close. And I love going down to visit them. I love the hugs. You don't realize, living by yourself away from most of your family, how little physical contact you have on a daily basis. But in my family, you hug everyone when you arrive and when you leave every time not just at the beginning and end of the trip. My days were filled with hugs, and it was great.
And I loved getting to see all the kids. I don't get to hang out with a lot of kids in my day-to-day life. But this weekend was all about kids. Kids of all ages from my 14 year old cousin Jailynn to my cousin Kelly's new baby who is only 9 months old. There were games to be played and stories to be told and hand to be held and things to be shown. My sister and I are the "cool older cousins" who live out of town and only come to visit a few times a year, so a lot of the kids compete for our attention. Nothing makes you feel more loved than having four little girls fighting to sit next to you at dinner.
For anyone who doesn't know, I come from a very large Italian-Catholic family. My dad was one of 11 kids raised in a small farming community in Western Kentucky called Fancy Farm. I swear, that is the name of the town--you can google it if you want. I have 28 first cousins on that side of the family--meaning there are 30 grandchildren all together--and there are currently 23 great grand kids with more always on the way. When you add in spouses the grand total of family members comes to well above 80.
Now, I know I'm not the only person out there who has a large family. In fact, I know of several people who have families similar in size to mine. What really tends to make my family unique is the fact that almost every person in the family lives in or near Fancy Farm. My self, my sister and one other cousin live in Lexington. I have two cousins up in Cincinnati and an Aunt, Uncle and three cousins in Atlanta. My dad lives in Glasgow and one cousins and his family who live in Tennessee. Other than that, the entire family lives within a 30 minute drive of each other.
As you can imagine, this means that any family event (of which there are many through out the year) turns into a huge gathering. My Grandmother has anywhere from 60 to 80 people over every year for both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. My Aunt Elaine's 4th of July pool party draws a crowd of close to 50 or 60, and a good portion of the family (20-25 people) cook together at least once every week.
Because they see each other so much, the family is really very close. And I love going down to visit them. I love the hugs. You don't realize, living by yourself away from most of your family, how little physical contact you have on a daily basis. But in my family, you hug everyone when you arrive and when you leave every time not just at the beginning and end of the trip. My days were filled with hugs, and it was great.
Me and my Godfather Richard (aka Sissard)
And I loved getting to see all the kids. I don't get to hang out with a lot of kids in my day-to-day life. But this weekend was all about kids. Kids of all ages from my 14 year old cousin Jailynn to my cousin Kelly's new baby who is only 9 months old. There were games to be played and stories to be told and hand to be held and things to be shown. My sister and I are the "cool older cousins" who live out of town and only come to visit a few times a year, so a lot of the kids compete for our attention. Nothing makes you feel more loved than having four little girls fighting to sit next to you at dinner.
Chase, Trey, Kristen, & Chance
My cousin Aaron's little boy Carson
My cousin's little girl Mallie
But of all the things I love about my family, the thing that I love the most is the fact that they love me totally and unconditionally. They love me because of who I am. They love me in spite of who I am. They love me for who I am. And everyone needs to feel that kind of unconditional love. After all, that is what family is supposed to be about.
My cousin Bryan with his girlfriend Courtney
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You...
So, if you are like me and live in Kentucky, today is primary day. Now, May primary elections in Kentucky are generally about as exciting as watching paint dry since most national elections are long over before we go to the polls and most State elections don't get interesting until the fall. But this year, somehow, Kentucky's vote actually matters. Not that the vote was in doubt--there is no way that a state that chose to be part of the South After the Civil War is ever going to elect a Black man as President of the United States. But still, at least I felt like there was a reason to go to the polls.
Not that I ever don't vote. I love voting. Something about it makes me feel very American. Maybe it's the fact that it is one of the few places you still see the American flag displayed proudly. Maybe it's because it feels like I get to be part of something that goes back to the days of George Washington and Ben Franklin. Or maybe I just like to feel like I have some say in what goes on in this country. Still, I always vote, no matter how small the election or how insignificant the outcome may be.
I guess my philosophy is that if you don't vote, you don't have a right to complain when things go sour.
Not that I ever don't vote. I love voting. Something about it makes me feel very American. Maybe it's the fact that it is one of the few places you still see the American flag displayed proudly. Maybe it's because it feels like I get to be part of something that goes back to the days of George Washington and Ben Franklin. Or maybe I just like to feel like I have some say in what goes on in this country. Still, I always vote, no matter how small the election or how insignificant the outcome may be.
I guess my philosophy is that if you don't vote, you don't have a right to complain when things go sour.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Missing Her So Much I Couldn't Breathe....
So, today is mother's day. Quite possibly, this is my least favorite day of the entire year. Now, I don't play the dead mother card very often, but I feel like this is one day that it is okay for me to say, "Hey, I had a mother too, and she's dead, and I miss her."
Mother's Day, for those of us who have lost our mothers is kind of like Valentine's Day for single people (which I am also an expert in) but worse. When you are single on V-Day, there is always the hope that maybe next year you will have someone to celebrate with. But I know that no matter what, I won't enjoy Mother's day next year any more than I am enjoying it this year.
In all fairness, though, Mother's day isn't the only day that I miss my mom. I miss her every single day. Most of the time I can put that aside and go on with life like everything is just fine. But every once and awhile, I just need the day to sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself before I can get back to living. Those are the days when it hurts. When I can really see what I've lost and how much I will miss.
My mother never got to see me graduate from college with my 4.0. We didn't get to take the trip to Europe the summer after I graduated like we had planned. She didn't get to see me land my first job, or to quit my first job. I won't be able to call her the first time I fall in love, and I won't have her words of wisdom when I fall out of it again. She won't be there when I get married or when I have my babies. I won't get to watch her grow old and play with her grandchildren.
I was 20 when my mom died, 17 when she get sick. I am 25 now. But just because you are all grown up doesn't mean that you don't still want your mom every once in awhile. Sometimes the hole feels so big that I don't think I can ever fill it up. There is a great line in the movie You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan's character is talking about getting her book shop ready for Christmas without her mother and she says she was "missing her so much I couldn't breathe." I never understood what she meant until I lost my own mom. Now there are times when I do miss her so much that even breathing feels like an effort. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts too much. And there are times when I would give anything to be able to talk to her again.
My friends say I talk about my mom like she is still here. In a way, I suppose she is. I find that I get more and more like her as I get older. And for better or worse, she is the voice in my head that tells me when I'm going wrong or doing right. The things she taught me still shape how I do things around the house: washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom. And I get told all the time how much I look like my mom. I've never seen it, really, but then again I don't think you ever think you look like anyone else.
But all that doesn't add up to what my mom was to me when she was alive. She was my best friend. She was my mentor. She was my confidante. She was the one person I could count on to always tell me the truth and to help me figure things out. She was so intertwined in my life that before she died, I couldn't imagine a life without her, and now I sometimes wonder how I can make it work. But I do. And it does seem to get easier as the years go by. It's been 5 years now and I don't have as many bad days I as used to. But I still miss her every day. And I probably always will.
So, to those of you out there who still have mother's to celebrate with today, count your blessings, because there are those of us in the world who would trade places with you in a heart beat if you asked.
Mother's Day, for those of us who have lost our mothers is kind of like Valentine's Day for single people (which I am also an expert in) but worse. When you are single on V-Day, there is always the hope that maybe next year you will have someone to celebrate with. But I know that no matter what, I won't enjoy Mother's day next year any more than I am enjoying it this year.
In all fairness, though, Mother's day isn't the only day that I miss my mom. I miss her every single day. Most of the time I can put that aside and go on with life like everything is just fine. But every once and awhile, I just need the day to sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself before I can get back to living. Those are the days when it hurts. When I can really see what I've lost and how much I will miss.
My mother never got to see me graduate from college with my 4.0. We didn't get to take the trip to Europe the summer after I graduated like we had planned. She didn't get to see me land my first job, or to quit my first job. I won't be able to call her the first time I fall in love, and I won't have her words of wisdom when I fall out of it again. She won't be there when I get married or when I have my babies. I won't get to watch her grow old and play with her grandchildren.
I was 20 when my mom died, 17 when she get sick. I am 25 now. But just because you are all grown up doesn't mean that you don't still want your mom every once in awhile. Sometimes the hole feels so big that I don't think I can ever fill it up. There is a great line in the movie You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan's character is talking about getting her book shop ready for Christmas without her mother and she says she was "missing her so much I couldn't breathe." I never understood what she meant until I lost my own mom. Now there are times when I do miss her so much that even breathing feels like an effort. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts too much. And there are times when I would give anything to be able to talk to her again.
My friends say I talk about my mom like she is still here. In a way, I suppose she is. I find that I get more and more like her as I get older. And for better or worse, she is the voice in my head that tells me when I'm going wrong or doing right. The things she taught me still shape how I do things around the house: washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom. And I get told all the time how much I look like my mom. I've never seen it, really, but then again I don't think you ever think you look like anyone else.
But all that doesn't add up to what my mom was to me when she was alive. She was my best friend. She was my mentor. She was my confidante. She was the one person I could count on to always tell me the truth and to help me figure things out. She was so intertwined in my life that before she died, I couldn't imagine a life without her, and now I sometimes wonder how I can make it work. But I do. And it does seem to get easier as the years go by. It's been 5 years now and I don't have as many bad days I as used to. But I still miss her every day. And I probably always will.
So, to those of you out there who still have mother's to celebrate with today, count your blessings, because there are those of us in the world who would trade places with you in a heart beat if you asked.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
