Missing Her So Much I Couldn't Breathe....

So, today is mother's day. Quite possibly, this is my least favorite day of the entire year. Now, I don't play the dead mother card very often, but I feel like this is one day that it is okay for me to say, "Hey, I had a mother too, and she's dead, and I miss her."

Mother's Day, for those of us who have lost our mothers is kind of like Valentine's Day for single people (which I am also an expert in) but worse. When you are single on V-Day, there is always the hope that maybe next year you will have someone to celebrate with. But I know that no matter what, I won't enjoy Mother's day next year any more than I am enjoying it this year.

In all fairness, though, Mother's day isn't the only day that I miss my mom. I miss her every single day. Most of the time I can put that aside and go on with life like everything is just fine. But every once and awhile, I just need the day to sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself before I can get back to living. Those are the days when it hurts. When I can really see what I've lost and how much I will miss.

My mother never got to see me graduate from college with my 4.0. We didn't get to take the trip to Europe the summer after I graduated like we had planned. She didn't get to see me land my first job, or to quit my first job. I won't be able to call her the first time I fall in love, and I won't have her words of wisdom when I fall out of it again. She won't be there when I get married or when I have my babies. I won't get to watch her grow old and play with her grandchildren.

I was 20 when my mom died, 17 when she get sick. I am 25 now. But just because you are all grown up doesn't mean that you don't still want your mom every once in awhile. Sometimes the hole feels so big that I don't think I can ever fill it up. There is a great line in the movie You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan's character is talking about getting her book shop ready for Christmas without her mother and she says she was "missing her so much I couldn't breathe." I never understood what she meant until I lost my own mom. Now there are times when I do miss her so much that even breathing feels like an effort. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts too much. And there are times when I would give anything to be able to talk to her again.

My friends say I talk about my mom like she is still here. In a way, I suppose she is. I find that I get more and more like her as I get older. And for better or worse, she is the voice in my head that tells me when I'm going wrong or doing right. The things she taught me still shape how I do things around the house: washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom. And I get told all the time how much I look like my mom. I've never seen it, really, but then again I don't think you ever think you look like anyone else.

But all that doesn't add up to what my mom was to me when she was alive. She was my best friend. She was my mentor. She was my confidante. She was the one person I could count on to always tell me the truth and to help me figure things out. She was so intertwined in my life that before she died, I couldn't imagine a life without her, and now I sometimes wonder how I can make it work. But I do. And it does seem to get easier as the years go by. It's been 5 years now and I don't have as many bad days I as used to. But I still miss her every day. And I probably always will.

So, to those of you out there who still have mother's to celebrate with today, count your blessings, because there are those of us in the world who would trade places with you in a heart beat if you asked.

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want to.....

So this week at work was Crazy! The deadline for abstracts to be submitted for the National Neurotrauma Society Meeting in Orlando in July is coming up on May 15th and everyone in my lab has experiments going on which means I have about 1 million things to do every day to try and make everyone happy. Add that to the fact that my experiment isn't working so well, and you can see how my week maybe wasn't the best.

But it wasn't all bad. At least this week marked the return of some of my favorite shows from their Writer's Strike hiatuses (hiati? what is the plural of hiatus?). Numb3rs and Moonlight were back on Friday and Thursday saw the return of Supernatural (with a very funny episode, and one of my all time favorites) and Ugly Betty.

This week it's Betty's Birthday and she has planned and "perfect" birthday weekend getaway with Henry (her boyfriend who got his crazy ex-girlfriend Charlie pregnant). But, this being TV, we know that any "perfect" anything won't actually happen because, well, that would be boring, and boring doesn't make for good TV. So anyway, Charlie (the Baby Mama) shows up just in time to ruin Betty & Henry's plans. Betty gamely makes up a new itinerary, but Charlie manages to spoil that too by playing sick so Henry has to take her to the doctor. Because Henry has bailed on her, Betty's friend Gio tries to help her out, but his efforts fail as well and Betty end her birthday with no dinner, no fireworks, a failed carriage ride, and a dress covered in Hot Chocolate. No the best birthday ever.

I felt for Betty. I really did. Because I know what it's like to have a birthday where nothing goes right. I am the queen of bad birthdays.

For at least four years running I had some of the worst birthdays and birthday parties of anyone I knew. It became a joke with me and my friends that I was under some kind of birthday curse.

First, there was my freshman year of college where a group of friends and I decided to go out to Jacobson Park and ride the paddle boats. Great idea, right? Maybe not. First off, there were five of us and only two to a boat which meant someone got to be the odd man out. Now, logic would say that the birthday girl shouldn't have to ride alone, but unfortunately, that wasn't how tings worked out. Two of the people with me, Monica and John, were totally into each other. They weren't dating yet, but would be soon and so they went together in one boat. That left me, MaryAnne, and Nick to split up for the other boat. At that time, we thought Nick had a thing for MaryAnne (boy were we wrong there) and so MaryAnne insisted that she ride in the boat with Nick. That left me as the luck gal who got to ride alone.

Okay, no big deal. I can do this alone, right? Sure. And, while it was very tiring, it wasn't horrible. But then when it was time to leave, we all pulled our boats back to the dock. When they were getting out of their boat, somehow MaryAnne managed to trip and hurt her toe. It didn't seem like too big of a deal at the time, but we heard about that damn toe for the next three years.

The next year, I wisely said NO to the paddle boats. Instead, MaryAnne (who was now the VP of Fellowship for APO) planned a kayaking trip on the Kentucky Rive for the weekend of my birthday. I wasn't thrilled about the idea, but it sounded like it could be fun, so I let her bully me into going. Unfortunately, things didn't start well. That year was 2001 and my birthday is September 16th which made it 5 days post 9-11. After that, I had no interest in going anywhere except home. But, because if I didn't go, they wouldn't have enough people to get the group rate, I went. In fact, not only did I go, but I had to drive because no one else would.

The actually Kayaking trip was fun, and we were all tired when we got back, but the plan was to stay up until midnight and celebrate my birthday (since we were going to be getting up early the next day to leave). At midnight, however, Nick was sick and in bed, and everyone else was too drunk to care, so I ended up eating some "Birthday Cookies" by myself and then proceeded to sleep on the floor since there weren't enough beds for everyone.

The next year, I had planned a big dinner out and then a movie. It was going to be on a Monday night, so I wanted something low key but fun. MaryAnne, however, decided to plan an APO scavenger hunt that night and wouldn't hear of changing the day. And, since most of my friends at that point were in APO, we went scavenger hunting instead of to dinner and the movie got moved to another night (which also ended in disaster with me sitting by myself during the movie since the theater was packed and we couldn't find enough seats together.).

By my senior year (and my 21st birthday) I knew enough not to make big plans. I wanted a simple dinner out with some of my friends. They wanted to get me drunk since I was now 21 and legal. UK wanted me in class. I had an 8am physics exam the morning after my 21st birthday so needless to say, it was a quick dinner with friends and then I spent the rest of my night studying for my exam.

Thankfully, now that college is over, the birthday curse seems to have been lifted some. I've had several decent birthdays in a row now. But believe you me, I know exactly how Betty felt when all her plans fell apart.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll....

So this fine day began in a rather unusual manner. At about 5:40 this morning, I woke up to my bed shaking quite vigorously. My first thought (having been deeply asleep) was that someone had broken into my apartment and was standing at the foot of my bed shaking the mattress. Needless to say, this thought got my fully awake faster than just about anything else could have (except when I accidentally set my alarm to the buzzer instead of the radio and I think it is the fire alarm). I jumped up and reached for the baseball bat that I keep next to my bed in order to fight off this bandit who needed to wake me up before robbing me. Yes, I know it doesn't make much sense, but in my defense, I was asleep and dreaming about 10 seconds before that.

Once I figured out that no one was standing at the end of my bed (but the bed was still shaking) I next thought that maybe it was the neighbors which I share my bedroom wall with (the wall that my bed is on) playing music or banging or something really loudly and shaking my bed. To test this, I put my hand on the wall, but the wall wasn't moving (or rather, was moving with me). The thought crossed my mind that maybe this was an earthquake, but really, how many quakes do we get in Kentucky? About that time the shaking stopped so I lay back down and went back to sleep (it was early after all).

When my alarm went off later, I thought for a minute that maybe I had dreamed the whole thing. I do have a tendency to have very vivid dreams that scare me awake like my recurring dream that there are spiders in my bed and I have to turn on the light so I can kill them. (I usually wake up when I flip the light switch.) I thought that maybe I just dreamt my bed was shaking, and scared myself awake. It turns out, however, that I wasn't dreaming and there really was an earthquake at 5:37 this morning.

The quake was centered in Illinois, not too far from Evansville, Indiana, but was felt as far away as Atlanta and Chicago. I think it measured something like a 5.6 on the Richter scale, which isn't bad at all. Still, as scary as the whole thing was (invisible home intruders non-withstanding) I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a large quake that shakes things off the walls and moves furniture. I hope I never have to live through one like that. This morning was enough shaking for my lifetime.

I Love The Whold World.....

While watching The Deadliest Catch last night on the Discovery Channel, I saw my new favorite commercial ever. It makes me smile (all except for the part where the guy is holding the giant spider).

Nature's First Green Is Gold....

So, spring is finally here, although you wouldn't know it from the weather these days (a Freeze in April?!). With spring comes possibly the best thing that happens in Lexington all year--Keeneland! Well, okay it happens twice a year, but still, I love the spring meet most. Maybe it's because you get to see some of the Derby contenders run without the hassle of trying to actually go to the Derby. Or maybe it's just that I am so excited to see sun and warm after months of cold and snow that anything outdoors seems great.

But I do love Keeneland. And this past Saturday was the crown jewel in Keeneland's Spring meet, with the running of the Bluegrass Stakes--one of the Derby Preps and the only one held in Kentucky. Dad and Kathy came up and we all went out to the grand old track for a day at the races. It's wasn't the best weather--in fact it was so cold that eventually we had to move inside--but it was fun.

I normally don't bet much money, so I don't win much money ($2.00 per race is my norm). On Saturday, I went into the day with $20.00 to bet on the ponies. I cashed a few small tickets, so by the time the Bluegrass rolled around, I was only down about $6.00. In the spirit of the day, I decided to bet the rest of my $20.00 on the Bluegrass and see what happened. I knew I wanted to place a couple of win bets and a show bet or two, but I still had a few more dollars to spend, so I asked Jenny, Jenny, and Kathy to each pick a number between 1 and 12 (the number of horses in the race). Kathy picked 3, Jenny (friend) picked 5, and Jenny (sister) picked 8. My intention was to bet an exacta box with the horses they chose, but seeing as the 8 horse had odds of 67-1 at the time, I decided to place a Show bet on him, and do the others in a box with the 1 horse and the 7 horse who I liked a lot.

Once all the bets were placed, we went outside to watch the race. The 3 and the 5 came out early and went to the lead, which is normally a very very bad sign. This time, however, they stayed in the lead the entire way and finished 5-3. I placed a $14.00 bet and won $70.00. Very exciting. Not that any skill was involved in this winning at all, but still.......

I'll be going back to Keeneland on Thursday this week with a group from work (my boss pays us to go to the track!). Hopefully my good luck with continue.

Remembering Mr. Wildcat

Oh Captain my Captain.....

Yesterday was a sad day for the Big Blue Nation. The only non-player, non-coach to ever have his jersey retired to the rafters at Rupp died.

Bill Keightley was the equipment manager for the UK men's Basketball team. At most schools, you would be hard pressed to find one person outside of the Athletics Department that could identify the equipment manager. At UK, you would be hard pressed to find one person who couldn't. Bill Keightley, or Mr. Wildcat as he was more commonly known, was a staple on the UK from 1962 until he died. The numbers speak volumes. He sat on the bench for 48 season, serving under 6 coaches beginning with legendary coach Adolph Rupp. He saw UK win 3 NCAA titles, 12 SEC tournament titles, 24 SEC regular season Championships, and 1,113 games. He was on the bench for 1464 games, 57% of all the games UK every played.

You could always find him sitting in the first chair on the bench, right next to the scorer's table. And he was always happy to shake your hand, sign an autograph, or take a picture with you. I have done all three at least a couple of times before UK games. And I don't know how many times, when I was waiting for tickets early in the morning outside the SAC offices, which were right across the hallway from the UK men's locker room, he would walk by with his bin full of towels or uniforms or whatever and take a minute to stop and chat with us. He always had a smile on his face, and I don't think I've ever heard anyone say a single negative thing about him.

He was one of those rare people who made you feel like you were the most important person in the world to him, even when he had just met you. He was warm. He was genuine. He was special.

After all, how many equipment managers have their own calendar? Or get a standing ovation when they are introduced at the first practice of the season?

Last year, when he turned 80, they passed out 8x10 cards at the game that had a picture of him popping out of giant cake on it. He has had his picture featured on bottles of Maker's Mark bourbon, was honored with a lifetime achievement award at UK's annual Catspy ceremony in 2005, and was inducted into the Kentucky Athletics Hall of Fame in 2007. The equipment room in Memorial Coliseum is named for him, as is an award given to the person who "understands and exemplifies the pride, respect and the positive attributes associated with being a part of the Kentucky basketball program."

I can't imagine UK basketball with Mr. Wildcat. I don't remember at time when he wasn't sitting on the bench. Through the good years, the bad years, the coaching changes, the ups, the downs, he was there. He sat on the bench for so many of the great moments in UK basketball history. The '78, '96, and '98 title runs as well as the '97 trip to the final game, the "historic loss" to Texas Western that was immortalized in the movie Glory Road, and the Lattner shot in '92. He saw the Mardi Gras Miracle, Tayshaun Prince's 5 straight 3's to open the UNC game in '01, friend and former UK coach Rick Pitino's return to Rupp as the U of L coach in '01, Patrick Sparks 3 free throws to beat Louisville in '04, and most recently the valiant effort of Joe Crawford in his 35 point performance against Marquette in the first round of the NCAA tournament this year.

He was one of those people that were such a fixture that you can't imagine they will ever be gone. Former UK player and broadcaster Larry Conley said, "I always felt like someday he'd sit down on the end of the bench in Rupp Arena, go to sleep and just not wake up." I think many of us felt the same way. We all knew that one day he wouldn't be there any more, but we just couldn't picture it. Now we have to.

He was also one of those people who defy description. To put into words what he meant to the UK program would require more eloquence than I have, but I think Mark Story from the Herald Leader said it pretty well. "Bill Keightley is gone. The heartbeat of Kentucky Basketball can never be quite the same."

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Canon Henry Scott-Holland